Now I don’t want to talk about us and them but let’s be real there is an us and them and everybody that pretends there isn’t and keeps silent participates in the violence that a body and mind like mine has to experience on almost daily basis.
From dating to work to life, unconscious bias seeps in to almost everything and mostly comes from everyone. I don’t think people understand that racism/ and therefore my race informs everything I do, how I’m seen, how I’m framed, how I’m perceived etc it’s been a struggle from day one but it’s a struggle I’ve learned to live with.
The past weeks have been exhausting, it’s been so draining and tiring to see image after image of black pain. I understood that they don’t understand The things that we Have to go through in order to exist and so it’s not one example that needs to be seen but many, in order to make a case.
I know that it’s coming from the right place sharing George Floyd’s literal last moments, sharing other pictures of pain, videos of whiteness used against blackness, but for me I have always thought that white people like to watch black pain as we are seen as similar Yet in their eyes not the same.
I was tired prior to this of my peoples anguish played out in someway or another in different forms and formats watching my people be disrespected, shot, hunted and killed is a narrative that’s consumed so easily and that’s scary.
I think about this a lot as I became tired of watching movies starring people who look like me, yet don’t live like me, as rarely do we have movies/ tv shows with black leads where the individual leads a ‘normal’ life And what I mean by that is could a black person live such a life as Rachel from friends. Lets say if Rachel was black and there was no comment on her colour and every scene and situation black Rachel was in was the exactly same as it is in the real world version of friends would that be a true depiction? Yet why can’t it be? It simply says that most movies made with people of colour featured their race has to be the forefront otherwise it can’t be consumed? And When race is at the forefront somehow it relates back to some level of pain/ trauma?
There’s reason why I say I’m tired of films such as moonlight that don’t say anything new about either of my identities (black/queer) it’s just poverty porn and queer pain, repression and trauma packaged and repurposed, there’s a reason why I had to turn of ‘native son’ with Ashton Saunders, I applauded his style and his visual look in the film but I hated how once again he was a victim of circumstance..:. You see I honestly believe that if all people know from us is pain then what exactly is our story beyond that? I think of movies that touch upon the black London experience and Kidulthood captures some aspects of my youth but not in full, there’s more to me than the postcode wars, the gang banging and the drug dealing but you wouldn’t know that if you watched a large portion of the small output that touches upon the black british experience.
If people keep seeing the same stories when it comes to people of colour then of course people are going to believe that that’s all that our existence is about. It’s propaganda! people are being fed lies and nothing is happening to change this.
When it comes to me I’m an intelligent queer black man, who’s a second generation immigrant, I have a story that includes pain but that pain doesn’t define me, it informs me of the raw reality of the world but it isn’t all I know and it isn’t all I am. It’s sad to say but I hardly see myself on screen, I hardly see stories from people like me, there’s a reason why I cling to shows like ‘She’s Gotta have it’ & ‘Dear White people’ or ‘Moesha’ black lives that are excelling, living, breathing, doing, achieving.
There’s a reason why Rihanna became an icon and idol to me, a young black girl with an accent, a lilt that said I’m black before being seen, she’s not ‘ratchet’ and she’s not ‘perfection’ she seemed human and she was celebrated by the gate keepers of fashion and culture. Moving on to starring in Gucci campaigns and being on the covers of Vogue and Harper’s. If you think a few years back would they ever give the black stars of the nineties such as Aaliyah, Brandy or Monica the same level of access? Vogue covers, high fashion campaigns etc, despite More specifically Brandy selling millions and being the star of a hit tv show.
That’s how we were kept out and conditioned, we were allowed to enter through the same doors but not ascend to the same heights. Systems put in place to excel those who look like those behind the gates, yet you could entertain but never touch the same level of fame.
On a more personal note I think about what would it be for the majority to feel like a minority and to have to have their race on their mind at most times even if it’s at the back of the mind it’s still there.
Things that can trigger thoughts on race include living in a country and being on a tram and thinking that hey there’s no one who looks like me here, it’s going on holiday and wondering if it’s ‘safe’, it’s being called a ‘beautiful black boy’ and wondering if they see me or my race, it’s being in a ‘cultural’ environment and wondering why there’s no people of colour, it’s seeing hard stares on the street and wondering if it’s my race, it’s the fact that I have an ‘English name’ Jeremy rather than using my Nigerian names Ifesinachi Anusionwu as my parents knew that they should dilute my Africaness from birth, it’s being asked questions about hip hop at work like I’m an ‘expert’, ‘it’s being told to go back to Africa’ ‘it’s getting out of a cab in Munich with Oberpollinger bags and the security guards asking you to follow them into the store as they’re astounded by the fact you can afford such items, despite working for the Kadewe group at the time’
What’s been taken from me I can’t get back, what will continue to be taken from me I’ll have to learn to live with. My dignity and respect maybe diminished, I maybe muted, discounted and discouraged but I see myself with courage and at full price. I live a life that I feel I’m entitled to even if that’s not what the world warrants me. I have to live with dignity and pride as I’m proud of my skin, I’m proud of our history, of how we’ve built worlds diverse cultures under extreme oppression. 👊🏾
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