Nonetheless, I’m thankful for this question, as I think it’s super important to be asked those simple three words because the question is quite complex. If you tell the truth then maybe you’ll be able to say I’m not okay and hopefully if you’re not okay, you are able to discuss that with the person asking without being shut down and in an open and honest manner as I did and was able to.
My reply: ‘ lol honestly I don’t know, I think I’m just bored by everything, like trying to go on dates, going back to work, all of it just seems so mundane and abstract... it doesn’t feel like anything belongs to me anymore like life doesn’t belong to me, it’s just a play, playing at the theatre, that I have a part in, but I’m not directing.
Basically, I just forgot how exhausting it is to exist, things like going on a date yesterday, seeing my colleagues, ppl being rude at Saturn, seeing a few people I know when out etc. I forgot how much energy the small actions we have to do to exist take, and now I’m like what is all this for? I actually hate drinking, smoking and socialising gives me chills! it feels like a mid-life crisis at 30 lol, as now the world has paused I’m wondering what the fuck was/is my life and I’m questioning it more so as we slowly resume’
To put this in perspective for the past eight weeks I have learned to live a slower softer more in tune with myself life. For seven of those weeks, I didn’t drink alcohol because for me those vices remind me of the night. In The Absence of a party and the lack of peer pressure to project a louder lively self, I was able to stay stiller/ silent. The drink has always allowed me to be more social and to keep at bay the shyness/ awkwardness that cripples me. So this has been the longest time since I started drinking at 20 that I have gone without.
I honestly feel like I just don’t know who I am anymore, I feel like I’m definitely not who I was and even before corona had started I felt a disconnect. So for me, change was coming anyway, but this tidal wave has just hastened it and forced me to evaluate and review at a pace that disturbs me, as it left no room to outgrow who I was.
Prior to this, my thirst for feeling mostly resided in missing tenderness so led me to run about consuming men and drinking vast quantities in a short space of time. Honestly, those actions can only add so much to a feeling before senses become blurred and you stop feeling and start forgetting moments, losing both time and experiences and ultimately ending up numb.
I started to feel again recently, more a self I liked and enjoyed being, and also a large part of that was down to getting a job. I spent most of the last year freelance, burned out and bored with working life in Germany. I was questioning who I was and my worth. Now it seems with work, taking over and me slowly finding confidence in a vision and view that’s appreciated, I’m more than thankful that my passions can slow the need to constantly be on the chase.
How I fill my days now is mostly work, playing animal crossing, talking to friends via Instagram and listening to podcasts. I find it hard to relax fully so one of my favourite hobbies, reading has come to a halt. Podcasts it seems has taken readings place.
I found that in this disconnect I connected to people who I didn’t know via the podcasts, people who thought similarly, with ideologies and views I align with or didn’t know I did/ found hard to understand, so it’s helped shape certain opinions and articulate them fuller, with someone else eloquently expressing a feeling, I didn’t know how to feel.
So right now it’s exhausting to be around me and I’m exhausted by others, the constant need for validation, saying silly and superficial things I don’t understand or agree with, making everything about themselves, it’s just like what’s the purpose and point of existing, if most interactions and experiences are bland and basic, or if we are doing things that destroy us when we come together?
It’s hard all of a sudden to find meaning in the meaningless, whereas before the moments of letting go that lead to joyous occasions have been removed and can be considered toxic. I’m anxious and others are anxious, so much so that it makes for a hostile ground instead of healing and enlightening. You have friends doing what you won’t do and you do what others won’t do so you’re all silently judging or laughing at each other, let’s say it’s not fun.
I have to learn to control myself and allow my friends to live at a pace that they want and prefer.
I just have to learn to do what I need to do in order to be happier healthier and more stable in mind, body and spirit and remove myself from whatever seems to invade happier situations.
And this is why Corona has got me asking myself who am I? honestly, I don’t know, I’m asking myself who I was and I’m wondering why I was that person, doing what I was doing? I’m asking myself who will become and I’m scared. I’m scared of becoming a home bunny who finds joy in ultramundane moments, like Reading papers and growing plants, while stroking my cat, drinking chai lattes, placing coasters on minimalist ultra-expensive furniture and slow days, sipping long drinks at SoHo house on my newly acquired membership!
I don’t have it all figured out as I don’t know who I’ll be when we all emerge from this social slumber. One thing I do know is that I’d like to leave the misery that has accompanied me for so long behind, I want to combat misery and learn how to live with it so I can move on to my next steps and hopefully leave it where it belongs- my past.
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