Boyfriends: The long dance 

Albert had longed for something in youth and for so long he didn't know what, he was alarmed when all the guys started to chase girls and didn't understand why it couldn't remain the same as it was before. The closeness that was once there lost, the thrill of the thought of something was replaced by the chase of it. His favourite of all his friends in which most his secrets and inner most thoughts had been shared was the first to betray him, they had celebrated several firsts together but this was one that could only be shared by tale, he didn't understand how even though Matt chased girls he would still come to his house late at night and share his bed until that stopped altogether, with Matt hooking up with the local beauty, Albert saw less and less of his buddy until the friendship ceased to exist. 

Lives were lived and love was lost, here and in the the now they found each other and finally found what they were looking for all their lives, wife's came and went children grew and fled the nest, they interacted with others like them with quick fumbles in parks, alleys and bathroom stalls, brief moments of coming together and coming undone, rough kisses, Flys flying down and then up, a grunt and a nod and then disappearance as the guilt engulfed each partner, the lips that just locked had hours earlier kissed the foreheads of their sleeping offspring and pecked lipsticked and glossed  mouths of their brides. For brief moments of ecstasy all of that world, the world forced upon these men was forgotten. 

Albert was different from the others, he loved and loved freely, falling for the hustlers he found here and there and tidied up, this was afforded to him due to his affluent lifestyle, heir to a fortune with steady allowance coming in that allowed him to pursue his pleasure to paint and capture beauty, his work sold steadily and he was acknowledged and accepted into circles that artists fought hard to enter, due to both his connections yet also his talent. 

Albert married of course for fifteen years he was loyal and devout acting out a part he never truly fitted, but he did as he was supposed to and the marriage resulted in three sons all destined for the family business and to carry the name that his siblings and father was so proud of. He loved Lillian dearly but she was a she and he knew he craved something more so he left, he left all that behind, his act selfish but he knew the self was more important than anything else. 

Happiness was what most in life pursued and he needed to do that freely and openly, it was bold and daring for the time but it was a risk worth taking. Nonetheless he was a great father and received and doted on the children. They were raised open minded and accepting that difference came in all shapes and sizes and acknowledged that their fathers dear friend was more than just a friend and something more, they soon realised why he left and agreed that the world shouldn't have shunned and outlawed those who dared to live a life that was different from their own. To Albert's surprise one of his own sons turned out to be of the same kind as he. He was proud of his son for being so open about it from a young age and that he could inherit a world in which love of all kinds could be celebrated the same way that of what was considered normal could. 

Billy was his name but he liked to go by Bill, Albert had found him as he had the others hanging on the street corners, lost, cocky and beautiful.  burning bright with youth yet loosing it with each interaction. There was something about Bill that allowed Albert to want more then just one night and a goodbye, he was sharp, funny, witty and so handsome that it hurt. Albert at first struggled  to capture his true likeness on canvas but as they intertwined and their lives became one he got better and better at it. Billy was 12 years younger than his lover and already he had enjoyed the fruits of the labour of Albert and his rioting lot, there was a long way to go but they had travelled far. They both watched horrified as their friends fell victim to the plague and crisis that dogged the gay scene in the 80's & 90's clinging even more tightly to one another. 

At that moment they felt the need to celebrate and officiate their love they had made it through forty years together and had always wanted to do what they were about to do. They danced the dance they were denied in youth, they found true solace in age and comfort in each other's existence it was beyond a phrase and Bill had watched in horror as Albert fell sick that he wasn't allowed to see him in critical moments but all that had past and now they could sail onto clear skies and calm shores. They wanted to adopt and build a life that they couldn't before and even at 75 and 63 it felt exciting and like it was a new chapter for them both. 

Therapy

Boyfriends:Therapy 

It had been a long time and as we were all once friends disconnected by time, numbers changing and people moving but in these sad circumstances of death we was all united once again. As the sad sap I was I decided to give this old friend a chance and to remember the fallen member of our group we reunited despite his absence he was largely present in this meeting as was about him and for him and as the old saying goes you only truly die when your name and memory is no more. It was here I learned that some people never change or grow up. We had planned to go heaven and I had planned to bump into the boy who I had met on a weekend prior and had been speaking to daily since, I felt a spark, something different, someone who wasn't hungry for 'naughty' pics or asking for fun, it felt like he was a good boy with a simple un fussy life and in my time of turbulence this seemed like a good option, a stabiliser and someone to ground me when I so often wanted to take flight. I had got his number as I said hi out of decency as the first time we spoke he was frank and dismissive of my advances but on this occasion he warmed to the flirting, up popped my drunk friend bored of the back and forth we was having and eager to return to the dance floor from the smokers area that he pulled my phone from my pocket and demanded I hurry up and get his number. 

I saw the boy for the first time in a bar, I frequented often with a friends ex who had gone cold and acted callous towards me since their union had ended, the company he kept put me off but something about him captured and caught me, was it his big bright blue eyes?  his sculptured hair ? or his just how he was  undone yet slightly put together, a scruffy appearance that intrigued me or a combo of all of the above that caught me off guard. It had been a long while since I'd wanted a boy at first sight but I wanted him and had to have him. 'I want him' I muttered to my friend DB who smiled and nodded the plan was put into action to occupy his two friends who were known to us through our other friends as goes the law in soho, yet I had never seen this boy before and that also interested me, I wouldn't be entering into incest and stepping on the toes of others. Clearly drunk he was defensive and rude but I did get a name and that he came from a seaside town in the south and was semi new to London. Put off by his rudeness which I interpreted as arrogance, I moved back to DB deflated and defeated and carried on with my night slogging pints and dancing to cheesy pop videos.  

2. 

Dancing, drinking and lounging around in the heat and crisp clear days, when all the nations mood was lifted and as the skirts got shorter and the torsos of all shapes and sizes came out, as we lazed in soho square and gossiped and laughed as we drank cheaply at G-A-Y and partied at heaven, a bond was formed and love slowly entered in the equation it all felt so right at the time like nothing could go wrong. 

Summer turned to winter and I was at first captured by his dedication to work he was nothing big,a sales assistant in a department store in west end but there was a certain sort of dedication to the repetition and routine that I found interesting, so my hunt for a job increased and finally I found one in a local supermarket working weekends. it was so mind numbingly painfully dull smiling and giggling with customers, asking about the regulars days, stamping loyalty cards and messing up orders that it soon became apparent to all parties that the job wasn't for me. Undefeated I stumbled into a six month internship at a east end theatre, painful in its self that due to its thrifty beginnings it was still considered hip but run by fossils and fuelled by the fire it once had when it was located in decrypted premises but had now expanded due to arts councils grants. it was largely sitting at a desk and fiddling with thumbs begging for tasks and getting none so filling days with shopping, bitching, yawning, coffee shots at the bar trying to keep or at least look awake due to a long night out on the previous night, determined not to let working 4 days a week effect the fun factor in my life, running off mid job to Barcelona to celebrate my birthday and valentines both a first of celebrating those occasions truly in love but what did I get from the lover, nothing. In the months of the long and boring waking up to do a 10-6 the red flags first appeared, I never noticed but soon I could see him staring with those eyes, the eyes that caught me, often glossed over staring at others in bars and clubs, it wasn't a glimpse or a glance it was a hard look that continued over a over, a yearning of sorts. 

We moved into together pretty fast, after just six months,  but it felt right as he was always around, cuddling watching the Simpsons, ordering Chinese or cooking for him felt good, it was nice to come home to someone, I guess it was an idea of an ideal union, I craved for the stability and maturity from us both to make it work. House sharing kept us together for a whole while longer, making it harder for either of us to leave as we rode through ups and downs with more downs than ups and when the down was getting too much along came an up that made us continue and before it got too good another down came along until I was a zombie drifting through the relationship not truly feeling any of the many betrayals. Too lost, too weak, too used to the world we had built together no matter how bitter it made me or how cold him it was something and I'd rather that than nothing. 

I guess soon he became entitled to the privileges but cared not for the disadvantages of the life that I led, if he wasn't included in a plan and I wanted some time to breathe he'd feel betrayed and I guilty that I left him alone but in reverse I guess as my world was the dominant world in the partnership that whenever it was his world and his friends he'd feel no way to follow their plans without even an afterthought of me and I guess that extended to thinking about me where as I thought about what I could do or get to excite and make him happy he simply didn't and soon the scaled tipped and the burden became a weight I couldn't carry.  

I was soon this cold and cruel bitch that tutted when he zoned out to his TV shows or left plates in the sink or contact cases scattered around the sink or forgot to take the bins out. the mundane trappings of togetherness that he also opted out on, After a while I couldn't be bothered to nag but would bring it up cuttingly at any given opportunity. In truth, It was never enough from the lounging and laziness, to wanting more but never seeking just simply waiting for something to happen, a follower and never leader, there was no sense of self, no discovering and trying to work on and out problems, There was also the fact of over sharing with his girl friends knowing every detail and every argument, every issue would be think tanked before finally discussing any problem with me. I always thought did he not own or know his mind, was his thoughts always effected and filtered by others. issues would be smoothed and talked out only to arise once again and go round and round on the merry go round until enough was enough and I had to get off, had to let go. Change wasn't going to come and there was simply no fight in me left, he too was tired of the unhappiness and bitterness that he felt either from my mocking, nagging or coldness. I couldn't understand how he just didn't understand romance and it's spontaneity that excited and made the other feel wanted and needed and soon it just felt like I was needed not wanted.

I held on like a fool as I saw someone that could be great, that had a spark but didn't realise it, that had talent but was scared to explore it, I saw beauty and I was in love that I forgave when and where I should have walked away, second chances became third and third fourth and so on and so on. The memories made trapped me as did his familiarity with my world and friends and his understanding of me to some degree, to knowing his family who would always include me in their activities in which I was truly thankful for, I was trapped and lost to love. 

I wanted memories and holidays, he wanted parcels and packages from eBay, I wanted the get up and go he preferred sleeping and binge sessions of reality TV, I wanted to work doing what I loved he cared only for routine and structure. They say opposites attract I guess so but in the opposition there has to be common ground enough common ground for it to be solid and solid enough to turn house into home but that never really came and so inevitably the house came tumbling down. 

Almost there (as felt)

With him it was different, I'd been touched a million times yet never felt it as deeply, his gaze electrified and his existence fuelled me daily to be better and work harder. Depth and insight was what he offered me, a chance to live, love and learn. 

 We met at college, he was the artsy kid that stood out in an elegant manner, cropped trousers that lightly kissed the ankle, shirts poetically  constructed that they seem to form a second skin, hats that added a dimension and jewellery which only he could pull off. He was something other than the rest, different without being cool in a cold handed manner, laid back yet not lazy. The contradictions made him a character and a loveable one at that. He was the one all wanted an opinion from, his blog was popular as was his podcasts and Instagram, he owned the social media platforms in which he contributed to. He wasn't imprisioned  by his creations, it wasn't an outlet that was an after thought, rather than being constructed for the sole purpose to communicate an image often constructed and static, his world was real and he invited others in to see and share. 

Due to this campus celebrity, I asked myself why me? I was casually cool in a weird way, geeky and obscure, put together yet scruffy, I wasn't great looking just a canvas in which I learned to mould into something that became the someone who then represented the me. 

He didn't acknowledge me in school, we were friendship groups and classes apart. I made music alone and uploaded it to sound cloud for fun, somewhere he heard it and featured it on his podcast, within the next month my likes, followers and friends increased and he ended up interviewing me for his next show over dinner, which happened over and over until it was a routine that became a ritual. 

With him it could be about the minute and not the hour,minimal moments we didn't have to dress things up as happenings, sharing time was enough. Doing nothing or next to that could be greater than a holiday, a trip or a thought out experience. We had that something that was so rare that not many people got or understood,  how another could be drunk of the others energy and appreciate their presence without getting hungover or bored. 

When he left I craved him more, in his absence his presence was felt deeper and more acutely, I wasn't needy with him it was just that I needed him. I appreciated the distance when it occurred, it allowed us to talk about experiences beyond those singular yet shared ones we created. 

After graduation and floating from job to job, room to flat and the continuous cycle of the modern day rat race, he decided the city to which we belonged wasn't one he could exist in. 

Long distance was the only option at first, with phone calls, Skype, flirtatious what's app and sexually charged snapchats. Yet no matter what, digital presence could never replace or come near to the physical. Sharing space in silence at times felt more full than a routine phone call with a days debrief for the sake of not breaking habit when all of our other habits had been replaced. I needed a lover not a digital pen pal. 

I let go first, angry that he did this to us, blinded by rage, in a selfish state I ended up on the dance floor, tasting unfamiliar mouths and touching foriegn bodies. I wanted something and received nothing. 

I searched the floor of a room I was welcomed into the night before and pushed straight to the bed. The deed was done and all was lost, something special had been broken. In tears he told me he'd began to appreciate another, that nothing had happened but something would. The fuel that fired our love was purely fossils, relics from the past of a time that was no more and energy that was no longer present, we simply belonged to the past. We'd lost a battle that had began a war.

The Hourglass

Boyfriends- The Hourglass 

I've always wanted to stop the hourglass but sand always will pour from one side to the other it can never equally be full, one side will always win. I often thought of love and life like that, love the push and pull, one rising to love when the other falls, one falling and the other rising. Life, a constant battle one side happiness the other sadness, some points are unbalanced, never equal then sometimes one state takes over the other. Metaphors aside an hourglass is an hourglass measuring time and time in truth can't truly be measured, each toss and turn we grow older and our time gets closer to no time, yet in that no time we still get older are bones age we're just not conscious of it anymore.  

There's always been moments, episodes and a series of events, yet it's the moments that become moments that I cling to. It's hard to collect and think of them all but I know the ones that burn bright and most vivid. The memories that now hold us together and define a period and place in our lives. Peter Hall, a memory in my memory and a vision in my mind. Nothing can extinguish and no one could ever replace. 

The first meeting: I met Peter at a library, I had just fell in love with the constructed worlds and works of David Levithan, he had just discovered the casual coolness of John Green, we collided over Will Grayson, Will Grayson by the two. I laughed that at that moment we had come into the library to get the book by authors we'd just discovered yet not a book by author instead we searched for the co-write. I'd learn Will Grayson was about chance, coincidences and worlds colliding and all three happened to happen to us. Peter was a gentlemen in many senses, he let me take the book home first but I thought no I'd buy it and we could talk about as it went on forming our own book club. I found out that he hated ebooks, waiting for Amazon orders & was too poor to buy from bookstores. It was different for me, I had money well my parents had money so I could buy books but I hardly reread so I thought it wasteful. It was fun to get out and go somewhere in the city where silence was appreciated. We talked and talked and we decided to jump on the tube to Waterstones.  He seemed thrilled, saying he's never been here. He peeked through the books he'd always wanted: Edmund White, James Baldwin, Gore Vidal. He told me that films and TV never spoke of love the way books did, openly and vividly. I agreed, for so long gays had been the victim yet in books they were who they were. It was so hard to find someone so passionate not only about books and the authors I admired but about anything at all. 

Flux: Peter and I had been talking for a while. I now knew more about him all the things that define someone's self. He liked Lana Del Rey, The XX, James Blake, FKA Twigs all the minimal, negative sounds kids. Peter loved films by Gus Van Sant his favourite being Gerry or Elephant or Last Days, he couldn't decided. He also liked Harmony Korine a particular highlight being Mister Lonely where famous impersonators lived on an island, forming a commune acting as people who in truth lived an act with the likes of Marilyn Monroe and Michael Jackson, people who weren't comfortable being themselves and here was people also not comfortable being themselves. Peter Daniel Hall, I liked Hall and we joked I'd take it on and our children would be Halls and their children. These were the talks sometimes about everything and other times about nothing. He was cute, interesting, cocky and quirky. He kept pestering me about  meeting up. ' So a date isn't a date until we've actually dated in person, phone hooks up are cool but digital will never replace the physical and I need to gaze upon your beauty once more, young Doug' he'd say. I didn't know, I'd just, well three months ago, broken up with Tim. Tim didn't know what he wanted or what we were and neither did I. we went from friends to kissing yet never anything more. I guess Tim needed that bit extra but I didn't feel to give him that bit extra, I was a cliche Claire in many cases and just didn't want to lose my virginity in a secluded spot in his granddads old Mazda. Tim was an athlete, closeted and closed and I was the hipster cold and distant, too ambiguous for people to know if I liked guys/ girls or both and that suited me fine. In truth Tim and I didn't have much in common, except past times, when we were kids young and free from stress and strain, before we had to define relationships and sexualities, before interests become the main thing and sex the main hunt. I wanted to keep that innocence but Tim couldn't wait to shed it. Tim never did dates just the diner, his house or mine and driving to a secluded spot and talking about his practice, or a game. That was my world. 

Dates: After a month of talking, I decided to take the dive. We talked about everything and nothing on Viber, Whatsapp, Skype, FaceTime. I met him at Embankment station. I was late he too early, I saw him as soon as I exited. He was beaming smartly dressed and all so handsome even more so than I remembered. He kissed both cheeks and we walked up into Charing X station, across the bridge and stopped mid way to marvel at London. ' this is my view, one of the visions I love the most, well loved the it seems I can only focus on you' I hit him softly, he was a soppy git, but it worked. The view was beautiful seeing old London merge with the new St. Paul's a modern relic entangled in the brutality of modernism.  We walked until we ended up at the BFI. ' Welcome to a world of mine'. He showed me the library and we pawed through vintage Interview magazines written by Andy Warhol himself and then Vanity Fair's marvelling at how fashion and views changed decade by decade. After when we grew weary of looking at the past, we came back to the present. The BFI trip wasn't over yet we still had to book into 'the mediatheque', housed at the back of the building, it has several little booths with screens, where people sat gazing at the screen in ones, twos and threes. We watched some documentary about John Galliano in his early era. I looked over from time to time to see how immersed he was in the moment, his hand clutching mine, finding comfort in the moment and me, I couldn't help but kiss his cheek. His world was now my world? 

*

Ballroom dancing, he came close and grabbed my hips pulling me close to him. I could feel his body through his clothes, his muscles tight and chest broad. 

We looked up and laughed it was a beautifully crisp, not too hot or cold just 

We talked about living, I said I if I was dying I do more, with an raging passion, he turned and said but you're dying.

The Storms: It wasn't always perfect he could be self centred and we could both be super stubborn. His confidence covered his weakness, well hid it. There's times I stopped talking to him for three to four days only to be reminded after the anger had subsided that time wasn't on our side. I'd think about the future when we argued, if we'd last and then I remembered we'd last as I'd be his last, I was his future yet he wasn't mine. I toyed with the idea of leaving, saving myself from the pain, I didn't know if that would make me a coward or a beast, although I didn't want to love for pity for the sake of seeing him go. I hated him and then I loved him. I always loved him but never knew the depth until he couldn't love me back and my love went on and on. 

 

The vivid now

The Vivid Now

'We've always dreamed of getting out of here, there's nothing to do around here' Sam Sighed, Ben smirked 'there's always me to do around here'. Sam nudged Ben jokingly, 'don't be so Ergh', ' O Sammy boy, you love it when I make you Ergh actually you love it when I make you ahhhh'. Both boys laughed, easing the air once more. It had been a rough few weeks for both. For Sam their had been a series of revelations, life was now a routine and a chore and Ben the only routine he enjoyed was still in the same place, it seemed as when they met 4 years ago there had been no development or growth in truth. whilst for Ben it was the opposite he knew he'd become an anchor and a chain grounding Sam to the there and the then. Sam wanted Ben to understand, to feel how he felt and see what he saw but he couldn't and didn't. Ben loved the there, where he was, it had always been home for generation after generation, old stock he liked to say.

The dance they danced had always been a careful and cautious one, neither knew or thought about what they were or who they'd become even more so when it came to defining themselves sexually as it was never really discussed, it wasn't on the curriculum. Yeah people said gay this and gay that and faggot was thrown around as gay was mainly as insults but no one really knew the true depth of what it was to be gay. Both boys believed it was such a small part of their lives, important yes but not all that defined them. In the beginning, when Sam first saw Ben or Ben saw Sam, either which way, something happened that neither could really explain. Sam liked to laugh about finally feeling the vivid now, something so strong that it felt like that was the reason to exist. It wasn't the first time, they had both known each other or more precisely known of each other forever. Same school different classes, other social groups, filling the same spaces at different times but one day their worlds collided.

Sam was dancing with his friend Zya lost in their own world, giggling and then Ben bumped into her , throwing her on to the floor, he had just finished football and all the boys were hailing him for his triumph. Zya fell backwards and whilst all the other boys laughed it was the hero of the match who looked back and came forward. Both Ben & Sam helped Zya up. There eyes met then and that's where the dance began. It wasn't until a few hours later that he came back. Well came looking for Zya with a flower to apologise but instead the flower ended up in Sam's hands.

They talked and talked at first about Zya and if she was ok but that soon dissolved and talk soon started on each other, delving into and discovering their mutual likes and dislikes and laughing off their differences. That day turned into two and two into three and soon it was countless. Neither knew what was happening they just thought that a new friendship had been born one that felt deeper and more relevant than any of their others. Their friends more Ben's couldn't understand what was happening why had such a seriously cool guy started hanging with the super Alt Sam.

It was at Ben's house where evolution was forced to happen. Ben was keen for Sam to meet his parents he didn't know why but just wanted him to see him in a different light and more comfortable and real setting where the mask was off and the act no longer. Smiles and small talk from Ben's parents and glares from Claire, Ben's older sister. Ben whispered afterwards he hoped it was all ok, Sam smiled ' you don't need to whisper anymore' Ben had been softly saying sayings at the dinner table joking here and there, Sam believed this was to make him feel as comfortable as possible. Ben smiled, ' I just like whispering as I guess it draws you closer to me'. Ben didn't know where these words were coming from and Sam couldn't hide the glee from hearing them. After winning Wii Tennis, both sweaty and burned out, Ben playfully pushed Sam, he felt Sam's warm and wet body and felt a jolt of energy. 'Let's get lost' Ben panted.

Lost was a walk in the forest, losing themselves to their surroundings but most importantly to each other. They passed a tree and Sam stopped, he touched it and closed his eyes , Ben sensed he was somewhere else, 'where are you Sammy?' Sam let out a half laugh half sigh. He felt he wasn't here nor there but hearing Ben's voice brought him halfway back, he felt safe and calm and like he wanted to tell Ben every secret and share every doubt, it felt like Ben could ease it all. 'When my Grandparents died I came here to this tree, I carved there name and dates of birth and death, they were the oldest things I'd known so I wanted to find older and this one looked the oldest. I'm just thankful it's still here to remind me of them '. Ben moved forward and hugged Sam, the hug lasted longer and neither wanted to let go and finally Ben touched Sam's face, Sam touched Ben's and soon they were engulfed in a kiss

Let's get lost those words became so clear to each other their town was small but the possibility with each other endless. Before Ben, Sam had felt lost, misunderstood but he got on and by, it wasn't living it was existing. Sam felt he should feel grateful for it all but he couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to leave.
Sam really wanted to get lost to a bigger city, new faces , places and living at a faster pace. Sam was bored of being bored of being the freaks the outsiders, the only ones beside Gamuel,Change was looming.

When they first came together as one, Adjustments had to be made as weeks turned to months and months into years. School was school they nodded, smiled and waved at each other but respected the space and privacy of each other's friendship groups and social circle. Everyone knew what had happened and was happening but Ben was too popular and Sam too different for anyone to truly mock and bully. People were more in awe, they didn't know what to say so they said nothing. Zya was the one link that separated the two the friend that had become friends with both and counsellor and confidant.


Sam had called Zya in tears, frustrated about what was happening and going on, he knew Zya wanted him to want to stay to so the words of advice were half hearted. Zya knew that Sam was too talented for a small town she knew she was to and would gladly have joined if it wasn't for an alcoholic father, dependent and depressed and a little brother who she had to be the rock for. Sam knew this and knew it was insensitive to dwell on this topic for too long but it left him even more dazed and confused. If he couldn't talk to his parents, boyfriend or his best friend then who was there?

That's when Gamuel came into the picture. Gam as he liked to be known was always the different one, surrounded by a flock of girls and mostly the hottest ones. He wasn't beautiful nor handsome but managed to capture a bit of both. It was mainly his sass and style that made people look. Gam was never bullied as he was the gate keeper to the girls for the guys and his approval mattered and could make and break relationships. Sam had never spoken to him as beyond their preference for men they had nothing in common. ' Hey ' Gam smiled , Sam took a step back but smiled back. Gammuel had never said anything to him before. They talked but Sam was cautious and guarded, he knew Gam was a bitch or had heard he was but he had him laughing and smiling and it was refreshing to talk to another about life and things. Sam's main question was how did Gammuel speak to other boys or men and to his surprise, Gam told him of a boyfriend he had of sorts in London.

'Of sorts?'Sam queried
'Well Sammy, there's three of us in this town and you two are basically one so that makes one and it takes two to tango, everyone close or on my Grindr or Jack'd is old and grey or simply too gay, so I'm here and he's there I'm temped by no one and he can be tempted by everyone, as soon as we're finished here and I'm counting down the weeks, I'm gone ' Gam sighed. Sam was intrigued by it all, a boyfriend in the bigger city, someone embracing and not hiding their sexuality, Gam was actively indulging in all of it. The sounds of London and seeing all the pictures and videos sent by Josh, Gam's sort of lover just made him want to leave even more and now he shared the feeling of escape with another.

Things went on and days went by, Ben acted out and tried to be the best he could be to keep Sam under his sway, he was worried about how he divided his time with Gammuel and how he suddenly became a friend but played his part of a good boyfriend and it seemed to be working. Both boys were having fun but whilst for Ben it was great for Sam it was just good. Sam was feeling guilty about talking to boys on the net about London and it's many treasures, he'd always wanted to go but Zya couldn't get the time off work or away from her family.



Everyone else in town thought Sam was crazy, they idolised the idol that had propelled their small league football team to the top of it. Everyone Sam knew most either had a crush or some form of admiration for Ben. Yet Sam wasn't everyone he was the other. He was always going to be the other. Ben's other half, the other gay, just a ball of otherness that was weird to many. He wanted to be himself to find who He was and where He fit, he knew for sure it wasn't where He was.

Differences causes distance and it was distance that Sam needed really to somewhere He wasn't so different. Although his general difference wasn't the only one it was also that between him and Ben. The divide that divided them at first was cool, normal they were interested in different things but also interested in the same elsewhere it was a balanced balance yet the scales had started to tip. Sam wanted to be excited not constantly exhausted and angry with the burden of expectation looming large. Ben never came up with ideas of what to do and where to go, his fun was found in lying around at his house and scrolling through social networks, going football practice or off to work with his dad and brother. Ben was saving but he didn't know what for, he thought a car would be great so he could drive Sam to other places for weekends and breaks.

Ben smiled as he picked Sam up conversation was light as they made their way to the usual spot on a weekend where most hung out drinking, drugging, shagging. Sam was in a mood as it was there 4th anniversary and if this was it, then he felt this was it. How was this different or exciting? Ben seemed to think his presence was a present, enough to make someone happy, Sam thought coldly. Ben knew something was up but didn't want to spoil the surprise, he was so pumped that even Sam's attitude could be brushed aside.

' I can't do this Ben'

'Do what Sam?'

'This be here on this day, like what's wrong with you, did you think this would be ok?'

' you can't do anything these days can you, except sit and stalk boys in London, living their lives, you think I don't know I do, I know you've been flirting around'

'It's not like that'

' so what's it like you've hit the jackpot in this town so you're searching around to see what's out there, who else can give you it?'

' Jackpot is this the fucking jackpot? We do the same thing day in and day out, you've got no dreams or ambition, I'm restless and bored, so yeah I look at what's going on in London as it's a dream, escapism from all this shit, from the grey. I don't expect you to understand'

At that moment Zya pulled up smiling and honking, Sam looked surprised he didn't even know she could drive and where the hell did the car come from? That's when he looked at Ben. Ben thought he'd take Sam there and surprise him with the car he'd brought, not for him but for them. Embarrassed Sam had no option, he apologised and just ran, he didn't know where to but he'd fucked up. He knew Ben had tried and he had made it all fail, he was making it all fail. He ran but didn't know where to, he needed to be somewhere, anywhere other than home.

Sam remembered the first meetings the rush he felt just from seeing Ben's face or hearing his voice or saying his name but nothing could beat the time they shared. Every moment used to feel like a moment with Ben but now just felt like any other. The good days yet they became rarer. Expectations weighed Sam down and disappointment attacked Ben, disappointed in himself for not being all Sam wanted or needed. Sam knew Ben was the same and whilst Sam had changed, or seen a change, he wished they could continue. Ben wanted it to get Better but Sam wanted better. Sam's sense of adventure and desire to see & feel more ecplised the one desire that was once his main desire and that's when he knew something had to change but change was what he was most scared of. To lose everything he had for an idealistic dream that scared him but what scared him most was returning defeated, bruised, dream shattered. Coming back with Ben & Zya moved on, he thought he could live without them and failed they learned to live without him and succeeded that was his main fear but what was life without risks without stepping outside the circle and in this case the circle was very small.

Sam woke up and Ben was next to him holding him under the tree, the tree that meant so much to him and also now to them, where they first fell into each other and now it seemed where they'd fall apart. Sam felt so bad for what he was doing, he was in a perpetual mood, hard to please and easy to annoy. It wasn't easy loving him and he loved Ben all the more for it. Yet Sam didn't know if he was still in love or had love for Ben. That was a battle in which there was no victor if he was in love why did he want to go? If he had love he couldn't stay and cling on to something that's flames had cooled, living in the past with memories of a time when the times where good. With Ben laying there looking so sweet and cute he decided to hold on to him and watch as the sun rose illuminating every inch of the face he loved so dearly.

' I knew I'd find you here' Ben whispered as he rose

' I'm so sorry' Sam muttered

' Don't be babe, to be honest I'd be pissed if we ended up there too, just there dancing in the same space to the same songs with the same people'

'I jumped to conclusions and I've been so horrible lately, I don't know why you stuck around'

' Ahh it's mainly due to love, I'm smitten still smitten with you, to think it's been 4 years'

' they've been good'

' you're talking like it's over'

'You're everything to me'

'but is everything enough'

' Never start a sentence with a but'

They both laughed lifting the tension but not completely shifting it.

' I know you want more Sam, I know you want to leave and I'm here trying to keep you as is Zya but we can't keep you or hold you down, you're not you anymore, you're not the same, you've changed and I want you to be happy and I don't think you can be here and I don't think I can be there in London so I don't know'

'You do know, Ben I know what you're saying'

' Goodbye?'

'No you're telling me to get lost'

They laughed again

' you remember'

'How could I forget'

Ben started to cry, Sam stood still he felt like a beast here was the perfect man, tender, loving, caring, considerate and beautiful but he couldn't be happy or content he wanted more.

Sam was more restless than ever before no song or sound could calm him, so instead he listened to the silence grateful for the stillness. After a while Sam picked up his phone, Zya had posted a picture of them at the beach, that dreaded pebbled beach. They both looked so happy and Sam remembered that day vividly. It was before Ben, before any thought of leaving ever crept into his head, before real thinking and feeling set in. Before he knew it or really thought about Zya was called. Before she had time to say anything Sam launched into conversation.

' I know you don't want me to talk about this but I need to' Sam sighed,

Silenced Followed before Sam blurted ' I'm not dead yet so all these throwback pictures need to hmm calm it, don't mourn me'

They both laughed

' I know you're not dead, but you'll be so far, I know you've wanted I talk about you leaving for a long time Sam'

' I didn't want to cause anything, I want you to come so bad'

' I can't leave All this so easily I have bigger baggage' Zya whispered.

'Zya you're an amazing photographer and Ben's a great footballer, couldn't we all try to take on the city if we fail coming back is always an option. No one really leaves here they stay and languish and I don't want that'

'you've made it hard on us all, I don't know what to say, it's like you think you're better than us now, you're breaking Ben's heart by staying and you'll shatter it by going, I won't feel the same or be the same without you but we'll live and I guess we'll have each other and hey I'd always have somewhere to stay and someone to see in London. I want you to be happy so does Ben that's all I can say and will say, speak to you tomorrow'. The phone went dead and Sam felt somewhat free that's all he needed and wanted and both of the people he loved so much had given him something he craved.

Sam packed slowly and without haste, he wondered why he wasn't rushing but what was the point he'd waited so long and wondered for so long. He was more excited than sad but that upset him further, to be excited when he should mainly be sad.

Sadness claimed him as he waited for the train as the minutes burned away and the train came closer taking him further from here and closer to there. He remembered it all. Seeing Zya arrive in year 7 bewitching and beautiful, the first kiss he shared with Ben, the time Ben told him he loved him he knew he did but was scared to say it first and it was then it felt real they felt real, the first time he had sex underneath the tree as the rain soaked their bodies making Ben's back glistening as the rolled down the crack. All the memories he shared with that blasted tree he wished he could say goodbye to it and everyone but knew he couldn't, he wasn't that strong. He missed those period and those moments but that period was that period and those moments had passed it was this period and this moment, he knew he was different then to what he was now those moments belonged to that boy as these belonged to another, the train pulled up and he caught his reflection, he smiled this time with tears I'm his eyes the moment was now and the it belonged to him. Sam watched as the town disappeared as he was pulled further from the past and closer to the future.

Tender is the Dawn

Jamie

The uniform made me like all the others it didn't whisper rags or didn't shout luxury it just was. I could of been rich I could of been poor and that was the illusion that led to confusion. 

I didn't know what it was or why, I didn't care about money or status, my youth in Somerset and adolescence in London gave my speech a twang an air and grace that was somewhat hard to place and in my lonely years I embraced my solitude and found a companion in books, google and wikipedia which gave me a knowledge that led many to believe I was highly or privately educated it was all false and a pretence but it wasn't a lie until I confirmed the preconceptions and anyway I didn't care about what others who knew of me yet didn't know me thought. 

University was sweet I had longed for the escape from the house that wasn't a home and the family that wasn't a family and here I had it. I could be more of myself then I could of done before, I was here to find who I really was and a set of friends who believed in the same things and had certain or similar values so here I was. Oxford a place I didn't dream of but had seemed to me what Hogwarts was to Harry, a fortress that emerged from nowhere with the help of a teacher, a person who saw someone who had a brain that needed nurturing not only from education but also others. Education isn't just in education its in life and in living you learn lessons that are more important than the ones that you learn from text books and tutors.  

Enter Toby or Tobias as I liked to call him but the former was what he insisted to be called except in our sessions of love and intimate moments that belonged to the two of us and within the universe we created yet was yet to name. We had fun was having fun and that's all that mattered. inseparable since the first day we met at an induction ball, a friend of a friend introduced us and as my eyes met his there was something, a moment that lingered and lasted beyond the mere seconds within the reality that it endured, there was a passion that I saw in him that he saw in me. A passion beyond the passion that we was yet to create with each other but what I saw then and there was a thrilled excitement for living.  

We never talked much of our pasts, it was like a wound or a scab, I could feel his discomfort at the mention of anything to do with it or anyone and he too could sense mine.  We didn't have the energy too as we was so invested in the time, this time, the now it's what matter most that and a future, the future. I didn't expect this at all I expected to meet life long friends but not a boy, a man, a beauty who gave everyday a fresher meaning and  clearer clarity to every moment in which we shared. 


He said as he was the older one out of the two of us, that he would pick up the trail of bills that we left behind us as we lived and burned through our days in the arms and company of one another, this allowed us to do things and for me to see things I couldn't afford or have access to or knowledge of prior, although in heated moments which were usually a result of his casual coldness he would buy me this or that or take me here or there and it felt like he was buying an apology and dazzling me with his wealth and access to the upper echelons of the world. 

We was living and loving fast, an intensity that never seemed to simmer, one look, one kiss or one day was never enough I wanted and felt I needed more. But all was due to change or was changing he was tense and I didn't know why but I heard his father was coming and everyday that the visit drew closer the more agitated, fidgety, lost and angry he became.

The College became stiff, teachers perked up and became alert and I heard the whispers louder than before. His father was important, a distinguished gentleman extremely rich not just rich but an Earl who's ancient esteemed lineage was littered with names and characters dating back to a bygone British era. 

I felt betrayed to a degree, here was a boy I knew and cared deeply about and if I was to be honest had begin to love. I had told him enough about me but he had told me nothing. 

After his fathers grand reception and departure, I brought up the topic of why he hadn't told me and he told me that in truth what's to tell. An heir to an old name and mass fortune the only heir with a mother who died young and a father who refused to remarry or take up mistresses. He told me the story of his father a young man who saw his father destroyed by vices and the weakness of men (gambling, adultery, drugs and alcohol). A mother head strong overlooked the affairs of her husband and oversaw duties that was duties he was supposed to look after. His Father's father died exposing a list of debt that forced the family to sell its many heirlooms to keep its most precious one, the manor house. Then he told me of his father his hero who took over all the duties from his fathers mother. 

He began from scratch graduating and starting a business building it up from ground zero using his name and grace to secure clients and before long he was as his family was before millionaires. He brought back most he could buy back in which he was forced to sell and created a trust to secure a legacy and now his legacy. 

Then he told me in truth he couldn't see me no longer rumours had begun to stir and swirl causing eye brows to be raised. He had to marry and marry well, most importantly a girl, a women with class, of class and I wasn't most importantly a girl and secondly he didn't need to say but I knew what he meant I wasn't of class. He told me he had to produce an heir and this was an experiment of sorts. 

I wondered what age we was living in, could he not be open and honest, couldn't he shuffle and reshape an old school system, couldn't he love a man and father a child. I was confused at this boy who seemed so strong elsewhere was so passive and submissive to his father.  

I looked searchingly , this was a boy I knew yet didn't know now, this act his act before, my act where was the real and the fake was he acting as I was acting he a prince and I the pauper. Seeing my look I saw him emerge, the boy I knew a glimmer but still, he came to me whispering words that both would be full and meaningful prior yet now were shallow and worthless. 

Class still existed as did homophobia within the esteemed classes who dibbled and dabbled with men only to claim as young and foolish experiments. He had it all the world at his feet and I had nothing and now no one.    

Tobias 

Oxford was Oxford another place with another name that my father had talked of for years. My path had been written even before I was born, he had planned it all Eton then Oxford then his high flying firm, I would marry a posh princess (even better if she was a posh princess even a minor royal) and continue this 'legacy'. I hated that word and I had begun to hate him. 

Oxford was my freedom from him at last I was further away and it seemed my ties had began to loosen. The constant calls cooled and his friends watchful eyes were further than before. 

I was bored of education even though I excelled and surpassed any expectations ever set, I didn't need to study hard somehow I just knew how to say or write the right thing at the right time, that's how I had glided through life, half wit and half charm. 

I knew nothing special would be here but what was special was my freedom yet I didn't feel free in fact I had always been somewhat free, I always had access to what I wanted or thought I wanted and I was only truly tied down by the condemning looks of my father and the concerned ones of my mother. When she died his looks became more stern and longing and the weight on my shoulders grew heavier. There would be no second son no other heir I had known this for a while but both he and I had been so close. My mother pregnant with a son, a second son, one that would and could be all I didn't want to be and with this knowledge I was happy for once. 

Happiness didn't last long for me it never did. My mother died along with her son, my brother and the heir, the boy the one who would take all away from me what I never wanted. The grief for the other boy seemed to outweigh that of my mother or what I expected him to feel of my mother. 

In truth they were never close and there was a coldness to them that made the air of the entire manor even more icy. Giggles and hugs and kisses were staged for their many public engagements other than that he was gone here or there on this or that trip, while she languished and longed and I  was ever  absent too at this school or that camp. 

My mothers death changed all it changed me and it changed him, he became even more protective not in a fatherly way but in a way I was an asset an investment now more priceless and fragile than before. 

It created a divide at a time when we needed or should of been together and the hero and idol I once saw was now a beast. A man who got what he wanted when he wanted it. Yet something in it compelled me to submit and give in. 

Oxford was dull and dry till that ball the one damn ball. I'd done enough balls and parties, champagne and white lines, blurred visions and black outs that tonight I was taking it easy and I didn't have to be drunk. The atmosphere was electric and he well he was like a snare. 

His name was Jamie and there was an air about him an openness yet a hidden something that was subtle and at odds he was about to become a distraction, my distraction. I lost myself in him but found myself.  

We didn't talk much about the past as we was living ever so much in the present. I don't know what it was about him that made me feel, he had that effect for so long I was numb days passing by, drinking, kissing, fucking. I wasn't straight wasn't gay in fact I didn't care what or who anyone hot or showing an interest was added to the list. 

I cared about something or someone and that's what gave me a meaning, I didn't want to treat him like others that said there was love treated me or those who knew who I was and what I was worth. We was all rich here but I was the richest. My wealth was my past and a future but I knew that in truth what future did we have. 

My father was coming to give this or that to some department to show off his accomplishments amongst his peers and fellow pupils who now had posts here and there with some teaching. Once again I was torn a new love against an old one the first man I learned to care about the tide was coming and I could either swim from or with. 

I was the model student and a model son to a father who was a model man, conservative, english through and through. A son to a father who knew so little about me as I did about him, he only knew my worth through certificates or praise yet not my mind or feelings, where as the man I loved or was beginning to knew what a look meant or a little laugh indicated. 

Stern words, a look of disgust, the dagger that was turned and twisted with the mention of my mother and the real son the one who'd he knew would never fail him. Word was I was canoodling on and off campus with a boy of common kinds, (not just a boy but a common boy). I was warned of the removal of my benefits (allowance, inheritance, shares) and like the fool I was the loyalty that my mother wore like a badge of honour that had infected her had infected me too. He was a man of strength and his strength overpowered most, bending till they broke or wilted in his direction. 

I ended it that night, Jamie had stormed in to my room, demanding why I hid it all and what else was I hiding, I couldn't tell him all so I told him enough hoping he'd understand, but he looked at me the way I looked at her a broken pitied look. 

I had to let go, I had no choice but I didn't want to be that man with a wife and child distant and angry giving them all yet none of me making men on the side my whores yet what could I do, I needed a wife and I needed a child. Could I go back to the world of nothing coming from everything someone who was and gave me all. 

I said some cold words for the sake of saying trying to push him away, hurting him and hurting me. He left taking with me my happiness all for the sake of duty. 

Marry The Night- Short Story

Marry the Night

Nylon

He could have been hot, but there was something just not right, such as his neck was too long and hands too big - something along those lines that detracted from a somewhat imperfect perfect being. Either way it was hardly noticeable to most people, most guys would ignore these small details and proceed to think he was the hottest guy on the planet. Tim or Tom or some boring and highly unoriginal name along those lines, I mean who names their child such things in this century?

I knew he liked me, really liked me, as we had been introduced prior by some girl - a mutual friend called Sandy who I happened to be out with after being bored to death at work. It gave me some kind of pleasure and satisfaction to watch those watching him, watch me. I knew he would probably be one of those me, me, me type of guys but it was getting late and I thought why not. As the night wore on, and several cocktails later, his flaws evaporated. They no longer seemed to faze me and I wondered if he was good with his mouth or if he had a big dick or a tight hole, both is better but one or the other would do as he wasn’t one to take home to the friends.

Tom

Sandy decided to drag me out once again. The thing is I just can’t say no to an invitation out on the town, even when I’m super broke - she always picks up my bill and I end up feeling like a tramp. It’s just this shitty creative industry that I belong to, no one hardly gets paid unless you lick ass and probably literally suck someone’s dick. It’s always the same here, the same music, the regulars and irregular regulars claiming their usual spots. I always saw this guy whenever we were out. Sandy knew him, they used to work together or something like that and we all kind of hanged one night. He seemed so cool, mysterious and had this dark mood to him that I seemed to like, I mean he wasn’t super hot but these qualities made him super hot, different, interesting and interesting was hard to find in a world filled with guys who are only interested in your looks, cock size or if you got a bubble butt with a tight asshole. Conversation rarely reaches past the dreaded ‘what you into’ and so many promising beautiful boys turned out to be nothing but a whore bag. I’m surely past all those one night stands yet it seems every guy I get with, no matter how promising it is at start, turns into one.

Nylon

Charlie was making out with some tall super tanned guy wearing a ‘reem’ t-shirt and cuffed jeans, his hands were down the guys trousers. He seemed to be digging deep, it kind of repulsed me but whatever makes him happy. Some guy comes over, says ‘hi - I think we shagged like two years ago’ and to put it politely my sheets had to be thrown away and the bed vigorously scrubbed, the downside to gay sex. After the fifth Destiny Child or Beyonce song either way it was her voice. Charlie decided he was leaving and that I should stay and enjoy myself. I guess I’m used to this by now so I move to the bar and take a seat. This guy, seeing the opportunity seizes the moment and sits next to me. Liam is his name. He asks if I’m alright and offers me a top up, and well he starts talking about himself and how he really liked me although we didn’t get off to the best of starts, he looks at me knowingly and I know that he means currying up my sheets. After two more drinks for him and three for me courtesy of him he moves closer and looks at me like he wants to kiss. His eyes all soft and soppy, which for a minute - no a second make me want to kiss him! I think no, knowing that I couldn’t go back to him so must at some point, somehow escape.

Tom

Hannah managed to spill drink on my Comme De Garcon shoes which to my luck are suede, my fault for wearing them to a club, I guess I remained calm knowing she’s a dopey bitch and really and truly getting angry won’t help. She said she’ll buy them back, making me think she’s no longer dopey but stupid, I mean she knows as well as I do these are Vintage, well ok four seasons old but vintage enough to not be outdated or last season and any way who follows fashions rules. In all this kafuffle, the cool kid’s friend has deserted him with Alex, some guy I was briefly dating who turned out to be a vacuous air head whose sole purpose was to consume celebrity culture via Perez and Heat. He studied the people he wanted to be as his sole purpose was to become famous, but yet he didn’t know what for, with three failed attempts at Big Brother, two at X-Factor and one at Shipwrecked, he decided to use the internet to launch his career and somehow became a YouTube hit and now interviews ‘celebrities’ such as the cast to which the catchphrase his t-shirt bears was born from. He was a nice guy in his own right but just not right for me. Our sex was good though and it trapped us both he wanted to date someone with access to the world he wished to belong and I, well I....... Someone else was now sitting next to this guy and Sandy, bored with me staring, decided to say hi and ask him to join us but I feared it was too late and I’d missed my chances. He was talking to Liam, really hot but shit in bed, shit being the operative word in more than one sense.

Nylon

This was killing me - I can never refuse a free drink and Leon, or was it Liam, kept getting me some -telling me all about his website which I hadn’t heard of but seeing his face when I said sounds familiar, I decided well yeah I did know what it was and he perked up once more. I asked him where his friends had got to and he replied with some cocky comment about ‘when you’ve got money that is your best friend and you don’t need anything or anyone else’. I knew he had money and his views on most things I disagreed strongly on but had no energy to argue about the welfare state and political parties, so I just nodded and drank. Four played out songs later and my saviour came to me. Sandy said ‘Hi’ and asked me to join her I invited Liam over to join me as I joined them.

Tom

Mission accomplished, Sandy had came back with Nylon and Liam as a plus one, I said hey to both and briefly talked to Liam about something or another before I turned to Nylon and told him he had a nice name and it was suited. He was intrigued to know more of what I meant but I just said some cheesy line.

Nylon

‘An interesting name for an interesting guy’, how original and let’s see if that’ll get me into bed tonight. He seemed cool and for some reason or another I was laughing, actually giggling and Sandy was telling me about our old boss - she was such a fat bitch - the thing is fat birds are usually labelled bubbly or a bitch, I mean so many are bubbly and happy with the world, and of course food, always putting their friends first - or no - food first, well maybe equal but whatever as they usually don’t have partners their friends are everything and you mostly do see fat fag hags with the most amazing boy which either says A. he’s hot and he doesn’t know it so he hangs with this bubbly funny, always there to listen and care for his problems or B. he knows he’s shit hot and wants someone ugly and fat to make him look more attractive and thin, either way he’s a me me me person but A over B any day. Usually bubbly birds take their anger out somewhere else or on themselves but Zara, she was one mean motherfucker who eventually fired me because I flirted with the customers, but she was yet to know how to flirt and how it works, as the customers flirted with me and I always brought trade up and actually sold stuff. I mean we were smack bang in the middle of Soho what did she expect. Tom seemed to have these amazing eyes and when he talked to you he seemed to speak through them and everything and everyone else disappeared, even Beyonce’s voice vanished and all that could be heard was him. He was saying something about his work and it was kind of interesting and he kind of moved closer and he whispered something I couldn’t make out and then Mike appeared.

Tom

Everything seemed to be ok and nice with Liam talking to Sandy, eventually after boring me, and Nylon talking to me or me talking to Nylon as he was kind of quiet, but either way he was listening and looking deep into my eyes. I was bored of this place by now and so I asked him if he wanted to leave and just like hang out somewhere else. I had this Sex and the City-esque idea of walking the street just talking on the road or walk to nowhere, but maybe I was too forward as he kind of smiled and then that vanished as he looked at Michael in disgust. I didn’t really know Michael too well but I did know he was a bit of a cunt, always talking about people and always starting trouble he had gone through so many friends, but now settled with hanging with Liam, and I guess that’s what brought him over.

Nylon

I actually hate this guy Mike, he’s such a dick I mean we used to be really cool - like I could actually call him a close friend and all that shit - until he fucking decided to fuck with my boyfriend of like two years, my only and last one. He’s such a scumbag but I decided to play it cool and say hi and small talk with the how are you and what you been up to. Apparently he works at Vogue a line I’ve heard so many times I mean Vogue really, why not I-D, Dazed, Love even Harpers, but no he decides upon the obvious. He decides to go on about how Alexandra Shulman is and how he met this person and actually hangs with Chloe Green and Amy Childs and decides to show us snaps on his iPhone 4s which was a gift from Apple and that he drives now and he’s got this car and so yeah he’s doing well, and then he turns and looks at me in this satisfied way and says so how about you. After I give him a brief summary he finally nods and says ‘so not much then’ he moves over to Liam and they start necking so thankfully it eliminates two annoying people but then the conversation turns into a threesome with Sandy rejoining and the intimate moments before now gone.



Tom

Sandy decides for me that we should go, I mean I love her to bits she reads me so well, so she goes to get our coats leaving Nylon and I alone. I ask him if he wants to come with me and he puts on this coy show, I laugh and tell him it’s just to hang like we did before and I stupidly invite the other two to try and show him how relaxed it will be. He smiles and then when Sandy comes back he finally decides to say yes and so we head off.

Nylon

I was getting kind of bored and then Tom asks me to come back to his, I know myself even if I don’t even like the guy I will shag anyone as I’m just a horny bitch so I try not to get myself into those kind of situations, but he had a charming smile that made his eyes sparkle. The other two douches decided to come along which wasn’t all bad as it meant we got a lift in Mike’s car. He decided to blast Cassie - I mean come on of all the acts who remembers that bitch I think Liam was giving Mike a hand job in the front which was kind of off putting, as we were forced into silence as any attempt to talk the music ate our words.

Tom

Finally Home and it’s all quiet the car journey was annoying shit music and with Liam and Mike getting it off, they just can’t keep their hands off each other and I thought they were friends I guess that’s the most confusing thing about being gay - the relationship divide between friend and lover and I hoped Nylon saw me more as the latter.

Nylon

Tom and Sandy’s flat was really cool. Actually it had nice vibes and was very bohemian as Sandy was a singer and Tom an artist and it showed. Liam and Mike basically were making out hardcore in the corner of the room so it turned into a three way conversation again which was cool as they were both really grounded. Orleans, Sandy’s boyfriend, decided to come with a crate of beer and it was a much needed break. Sandy’s a cool girl and all, but I wanted it to get back to us, me and him. Orleans was fucking hot either way, he said he was bisexual and caught Sandy giving him the eye in a gay club and decided to go into the whole difference between the sexes ad that sex was a sport and with men there’s more passion - its more violent it’s like a war, a battle between two men where one submits to the other, the way he was talking about was getting me kind of horny and I don’t know why. He kept going on and on about the most important acts in life are violent or involve violence from sex to birth to living to death. Liam asked him if he was able to make it sound so good with a man then why he now fucks a woman. He replied vaguely about its not solely about sex or the sex he has, but its about the connection and he has that with his girl. I think Sandy was bored of all the talking and decided that it was time to go to her bedroom - she was either really pissed off at Liam’s comment or she was mad horny. She gave her air kisses and called Tom outside the room.

Tom

Sandy was kind of pissed about something, she always gets really wound up about Orleans’ sexuality and we’ve argued about it so many times, well she has with me as she’s scared that he will leave her for a guy. She reminds me she’s got work, so to please keep the noise down and to get Liam and Mike out as soon as possible as they’re both twats. I kind of dislike this most about her  how temperamental and touchy she can become. I always told her it was a bad idea to date Orleans, I mean he’s hot and so fucking cool but he’s tried it on with me on more than one occasion and told me how much he misses cock but whatever.

Nylon

So basically I am in a room watching a live porno: Mike is sucking Liam off and I have nothing else to do but watch, Tom comes back inside and seeing what the other two are up to just decides we should go somewhere else and let them get it over with. He takes me up some stairs and into an attic with a glass roof, the attic is filled with artwork which I can only guess is his own. He makes a modest comment about them but I wander over and take a peak. They’re intense, startling and shocking with vivid colours and violent strokes but it feels new, fresh and unseen and he tells me he hates to show people his work and I laugh. He looks hurt and then I have to reassure him that they’re good but I really mean great, but don’t want to seem to keen. He tells me he brought me up here as his bedroom would, you know, be too suggestive, I laugh again and he looks down. He pulls out some cushions and lies down on the floor and tells me about constellations so I join him on the cushions gazing at the sky which does play like a bad version of Lion King or something but in truth is amazingly sweet.

Tom

To avoid watching Mike getting fucked I decided to leave the room rather than chuck them out as I guess it would be rude and Nylon might leave with Liam as I guess they came together so I took him to the attic which was a mistake as he laughed at my work but then insisted that they were good, I hate false politeness. I told him I didn’t want to take him to my bedroom and he laughed - I mean I must sound like such a pussy - so as I always do I start babbling and before long we’re looking at the stars and it’s so stupid and like some bad rom-com but it’s a really nice moment. When I shut up he tells me how I seem different from most guys and that this night was what he needed as he’s just been cold and cynical about men, since two years ago his last boyfriend fucked him over with his ex-friend who happens to be getting shagged downstairs. He told me about his struggle to find someone decent and his struggle to acknowledge he was becoming ‘just like that’ the thing he hated with so many one night stands, and how with every cold he feared HIV no matter how safe the sex was, he told me of the abusive father who did actually sexually assault him and was sectioned, so can’t blame him fully how his mother’s weaknesses in the matter forever made him look at women in a different way.

Nylon

I don’t know what came over me but Tom seemed so different like the most genuine guy I’ve met he was so open telling me about his struggles with his sexuality how he had a twin who couldn't handle being gay and that he hanged himself because he was bulled so bad, but he always admired his brother’s strength as he celebrated his sexuality every day and how he regrets not telling his brother he was gay too and not showing more support and how he hates gay films as most have bad endings with either one character dead or reverting back to straight and that mainstream TV has a long way to go with allowing the young to accept their sexuality and that it shouldn’t just stop at Sugar Rush or Queer as Folk and it shouldn’t just be super queens like Alan Carr, Gok Wan, Graham Norton and that Kristian Digby was hopeful - but look how he ended up and how the media treated his death. He spoke with such passion that it made me want to kiss him right there. You could tell he had a cause and he loved what he did and found what he wanted to do which made me seem even more pathetic. He was so open to me so before I could stop myself I was so open to him. I was kind of cold and he saw that so he gave me his hoodie. What a fucking romantic!

Tom

He looked so cute in my hoodie the colour matched his eyes and as we talked I just wanted to touch him, hold him and kiss him but I didn’t know if he wanted the same and rejection would be a killer as I was pretty open right now, open to and for him. He moved closer and whispered something in my ear, his lip touching it and causing a slight wetness that tingled as he breathed. I couldn’t help what happened next but it was clouding my mind and I had to get it off, so I kissed his lips once, twice and then the third time his mouth opened and he let me. The next thing I knew we were full on kissing with such lust that I bit him, drawing blood, which made me withdraw - both embarrassed and also due to safety and all that.

Nylon

He kissed me softly at first and I was taken back at how sweet it seemed, how sweet he tasted. His tongue entered my mouth and began tracing circles on my own, I was still letting him take control and then from nowhere, passion - it engulfed me, maybe us, and we started kissing like mad. He bit me by accident on my lip, drawing blood, which I found incredibly and weirdly kinky, clearly embarrassed he withdrew. I Never actually had a night like this before and for some reason it felt like I knew him, like really knew him, and I didn’t know what was going to happen next but I knew I didn’t want it to end here, like it does with most.