Since George Floyd’s death I’ve wandered from place to place feeling black but seeing whites, colorless shades played out on faces put before me, real life people, perfumed by an air of no cares, not many fucks and hardly many worries. There’s another layer to the world in which they dwell in, they aren’t on the same level as me they don’t think about race or sexuality those things are just there, instinctive and natural they can argue about things like capitalism and who it serves, they’re free to talk about lighter issues or deeper issues as they’ve got no anchors in place. No constant surface level distraction that detracts from their being.
These are people That you think as they are seen everywhere in the places I inhabit, that everything would be nothing without them. But no matter what it’s not true and I know my value and I know my worth even if there’s the calculated systematic cruelty of being born different and the levels in which that effects me.
The erasure of my people’s space in this world has been a timely one and is a heavy blow to handle. I will never forget going to the Vatican and not seeing one image of anyone that reflected my likeness, for a global religion that annoyed and angered me and confirmed the death of my very limited faith there and then.
The issue is my conscious and refusal to be trapped by my struggle, I’m fighting to be freer, to think louder and exist in spaces that are left consciously aware and enlightened. I can’t be forceful with how I awaken and arouse others, I can be honest and try and play to their empathetic self, if that doesn’t work I often wonder if they’re delusional or simply that they don’t care. Even if people showed up and showed out to the recent BLM protests that doesn’t mean all truly care.
The Thing that hurt the most about the George Floyd situation is the fact that there was a knowledge accepted from all corners that my life was a lesser life and what I had been forcing myself to deny for so long was accepted by so many. It made me angry. Anger mixed with sadness with just the reality of the situation that in truth I feel that I’m being denied a life that I want and wish to live primarily due to the fact I am a person of color, that the community that my sexuality belongs to sees me as less than them, the industry in which my career is placed has erected gates and obstacles for people like me.
To live and not see a self in the many scenes often played out is a level of erasure, screens, magazines, institutions, where were we and in turn where was I, who was I in relation to these spaces if I’m not represented, I’m not accepted, if I’m not accepted I’m denied a right to be. Culture for so long has revolved around whiteness perpetuating that whiteness is universal, neutral, palatable...
When talking about inclusion Beyoncé’s ‘black is king’, made me emotional, I’m not even a Beyoncé fan but I see the power in seeing myself in scenes, a joyous celebration of self, selves we’ve been denied, underrepresented selves.
Disney didn’t see black people for so long, as Disney like most media empires kept us locked out, but of course would gleefully take from us. This is evident in the difference in Lion King’s, in the 2019 version vs 1994, 94 exploited us while 19 celebrated us and offered us a seat at the table. I mean no disrespect to Elton John but why shouldn’t Africans or individuals of African descent sing, write and cherish their continent? In the 19 version they at least connected with Beyoncé + Childish Gambino, with a soundtrack filled with black talent, so many visuals uplifting and celebrating Africa, the multifaceted depths of blackness, bountiful beauty.
With this in mind isn’t whiteness blandness? a level of bland that’s common and complacent, it’s not rule breaking or genre shaking, it sits perfectly in a system crafted for those who are the majority and if you’re not the majority then you assimilate and assume a form that fits, a politeness that’s palatable so they can say ‘I have black neighbors’ ‘ I know a Muslim and they don’t carry on like most ’ ‘Jed & John are a gay married couple they seem so normal’
But I’m not here to make people feel at ease if my presence disturbs them! As their comfort zones mean I remain uncomfortable, meaning we remain steps behind them. As they March on.
There’s so much power in visibility, to be noted and feel noticed and included in conversations not just on a local level but a global one. I don’t want to say I’m activist but I’m active in wanting and working towards creating change not just for my race but for people I hardly see and to give purpose and action to. This includes what I identify as a black, non-binary queer but also for those who aren’t able bodied, for those who are trans and for those that the world has silenced in its exclusion.
