Expression has always been something core to my identity, there’s been something in me that never really thought to deeply and just did. I’m aware there’s luck and privilege in not having to over think what you want to wear and wearing it, seeing what you like and getting it even if it sits outside the norms of the constraints applied to a specific religion, race or gender.
Now no names need to be named but I stepped out after a while and stepped into a hyped Berlin “queer” party. The party was filled to the brim with toxic masc men with no manners, the kind who oppress themselves by aping their oppressors. They seem to idolise an outdated model of man, one in which they of all people should challenge! individuals who choose to be blind to anyone who doesn't resemble themselves or a version of a type in which they want to fuck. If I was taught one thing at this event it’s just how restricted and restrained some gays still are and that sometimes the restraints are what we impose upon ourselves and even traits that we then implore in others!
In truth expression is an expensive thing, it costs a lot to be seen and truly show what you want to say and who you are. There’s vulnerability in revealing yourself to such depths and degrees especially in a world and space where so many people are so ready to judge and belittle.
To me what hurts the most is to escape the noise and persecution of outside and then to feel it more amplified and concentrated in one space. The majority seem to turn the venue into a hedonistic playground, populated by Peter pan like types, out to play and let loose without care or consideration of others, yet even chaos needs a level of control!
I don’t know why it haunts and hurts me but it does. Mainly as I feel like an outsider again to something I wish I could belong to but not in the form it’s presently being presented. I hope for a kinder, softer more caring way. I wish we could accept the labels we give each other queer, masc, femme, otter etc and learn to coexist and appreciate each other in full.
Anyway fuck it I just want to dance to dua lipa while dancing and delivering vodka kisses to hot men or maybe I’ll retire from the night and Date someone in media, sip martinis at soho house and occasionally pop up the places I used to frequent. (Jokes)
