It's no secret that the nightlife in Berlin is unique, a highlight in the city's experience and as a tourist, you can be wowed and moved by it, but when you live here it can be hard to not get caught up in the constant chaos of clubbing.
One of the purest moments I've felt in a long time was in a Panorama bar. I was on a soft buzz of alcohol but no drugs, and I felt this lightness take over me as I connected to the environment, which served up a vibe & mood that synced with the music and I fell into the spirit of those present. It was truly electrifying and I live for occasions like these, as it wasn't a memory it was a moment something that can't be relived but a similar sensation can be found and had but not by force, by being.
It was the opposite of a techno-trance which I also experienced downstairs in Berghain. A more singular almost religious experience where you fall into yourself and it feels you're being taken over by something outside of your being, moving without thinking, your mind cleansed and clear.
Yet what happens when you overdo clubbing or overstay a party that's going on for three days? For me, I become an anxious, paranoid shell with no personality and the whole point of feeling free and going out is undermined and ruined. It gets to a point and place where I'm not having fun anymore & in truth, I'm no longer fun to be around, I just don't want to face the reality of my life and the outside world and so delay at any cost.
In these moments I start seeing Berlin parties in a new light, and how they can be very high school with still a lot of judgement in a space that's supposed to be safe for queers and individuals who have been judged their entire lives. I can see how men peacock and parade and as a minority, I actually can feel overwhelmed by the displays.
about investing in the here and the now without really caring about the future! The immediate future is the next fix, the next high to combat the low! To be awake but to dream... as we are all trying to find our true self that we are most comfortable with or can cope with...
My main issue is that I want to disappear, I don't want to always be thinking deep thoughts about life and partying is my escape. It can also be beautiful, healing yet scary as well but like most in the right dosage and right company clubbing can be amazing.
We're all pretty broken in many ways and fundamentally it is escapism and the partying itself is a drug also... for me I'm lonely and it's not about not having friends it's just this desire to be understood. it's nice to be seen, to be drank, to be tasted and accepted. These spaces are places where many get their power, where they can be seen & heard. But at the same time, we can project our insecurities in ways that aren't healthy for ourselves or others.
We also have many broken people coming together to fall apart, which can be a good and bad thing. One issue is we don't know people and people can overact in so many ways... It happens all the time when talking to individuals especially if they're in a paranoid or psychotic state brought on by drugs or sleep deprivation etc. That's why sometimes shallow talk is easier as it doesn't provoke reactions... different people get triggered for all sorts of reasons especially when they're not sober.
I think the problem here is that we have tools we don't know how to use and end up turning them into weapons... we band to together to bully, judge and belittle... when we should be educating each other via conversation and enlightenment by togetherness & unity... we are also our own worse enemies and if we learned to be kinder to ourselves we would find no need to be so unloving and cold to others.
