t’s taking me a long while to know this and the small and steady steps that I’ve taken have led me to where I am today, but for me the question is what defines a boy? A man? A male? The age old view of the breadwinner, overlord, strong presence is dying out. We’re learning the complexities of the male beyond the frat-bro- brotherhood- egocentric- self absorbed- etc etc etc. There’s a softer stance not just for gays, bisexuals, non-binary yet also for cis-gendered straight males. why should I in anyway feel shame in embracing the feminine? Like it’s less, when in many cases it’s more, to be powerful in your femininity in world poisoned by toxic masculinity.
I personally question constantly what it is to be bound to societies notion of a boy? And to then enter into the ‘gay community’ and be prized and upheld if you carry masculine characteristics and traits. I’ve been trapped in this idea to play down my femininity to maximise my dating opportunities (unconsciously mostly), but now I know so to continue would be a conscious decision that’s a betrayal of my being. A masc mask worn to try and woo someone yet by showcasing who I’m not. Slowly yet surely I’ve started to understand that I’m bound to no idea, no preconceived thought of how I should be and that freedom comes in finding a voice and vision and expressing yourself freely. I like hair clips, pearls, eye liner, strap dresses and lip sticks etc. And it’s no secret that, I check the women’s section Before the men’s in most stores as the clothes call out to me more.
What I feel is fluid and free the sheen of lipgloss freshly applied, the sparkle of glitter on the skin, the dangle of an earring as I move my head, the freedom of a skirt letting hang what hangs below. These small things empower me. Unrestricted and living in moments lost to myself, simple yet powerful to allow myself these pleasures of being and in most cases to be in a city that allows my way of being. I’m not saying that I don’t get abuse but I’ll be abused in any case for being black or being gay so I may as well be bold and free. Everyone pays a price for their freedoms and this is sadly one of mine.
As long as I’m not abusing myself by neglecting parts of who I am I’m happy. I know that what I’m saying is nothing new to so many but it’s been a becoming for me. A reckoning to reason with myself about ones truth, I’m not masculine nor am I feminine, so what do I identify as? I don’t know anymore, I’ve been told that I’m not non binary by those who are and those who aren’t! PC gatekeepers that seem to regulate and alienate. As long as I know my truth I won’t argue, as that’s all I’ve done with the majority of my identities, question, examine and dissect - in order to try & discover. What I can say is I’m a being on the path to becoming more honest and fluid with my identity and that’s enough for me as I don’t need a label in order for me to feel comfortable and confident in my existence.
