The Vivid Now
'We've always dreamed of getting out of here, there's nothing to do around here' Sam Sighed, Ben smirked 'there's always me to do around here'. Sam nudged Ben jokingly, 'don't be so Ergh', ' O Sammy boy, you love it when I make you Ergh actually you love it when I make you ahhhh'. Both boys laughed, easing the air once more. It had been a rough few weeks for both. For Sam their had been a series of revelations, life was now a routine and a chore and Ben the only routine he enjoyed was still in the same place, it seemed as when they met 4 years ago there had been no development or growth in truth. whilst for Ben it was the opposite he knew he'd become an anchor and a chain grounding Sam to the there and the then. Sam wanted Ben to understand, to feel how he felt and see what he saw but he couldn't and didn't. Ben loved the there, where he was, it had always been home for generation after generation, old stock he liked to say.
The dance they danced had always been a careful and cautious one, neither knew or thought about what they were or who they'd become even more so when it came to defining themselves sexually as it was never really discussed, it wasn't on the curriculum. Yeah people said gay this and gay that and faggot was thrown around as gay was mainly as insults but no one really knew the true depth of what it was to be gay. Both boys believed it was such a small part of their lives, important yes but not all that defined them. In the beginning, when Sam first saw Ben or Ben saw Sam, either which way, something happened that neither could really explain. Sam liked to laugh about finally feeling the vivid now, something so strong that it felt like that was the reason to exist. It wasn't the first time, they had both known each other or more precisely known of each other forever. Same school different classes, other social groups, filling the same spaces at different times but one day their worlds collided.
Sam was dancing with his friend Zya lost in their own world, giggling and then Ben bumped into her , throwing her on to the floor, he had just finished football and all the boys were hailing him for his triumph. Zya fell backwards and whilst all the other boys laughed it was the hero of the match who looked back and came forward. Both Ben & Sam helped Zya up. There eyes met then and that's where the dance began. It wasn't until a few hours later that he came back. Well came looking for Zya with a flower to apologise but instead the flower ended up in Sam's hands.
They talked and talked at first about Zya and if she was ok but that soon dissolved and talk soon started on each other, delving into and discovering their mutual likes and dislikes and laughing off their differences. That day turned into two and two into three and soon it was countless. Neither knew what was happening they just thought that a new friendship had been born one that felt deeper and more relevant than any of their others. Their friends more Ben's couldn't understand what was happening why had such a seriously cool guy started hanging with the super Alt Sam.
It was at Ben's house where evolution was forced to happen. Ben was keen for Sam to meet his parents he didn't know why but just wanted him to see him in a different light and more comfortable and real setting where the mask was off and the act no longer. Smiles and small talk from Ben's parents and glares from Claire, Ben's older sister. Ben whispered afterwards he hoped it was all ok, Sam smiled ' you don't need to whisper anymore' Ben had been softly saying sayings at the dinner table joking here and there, Sam believed this was to make him feel as comfortable as possible. Ben smiled, ' I just like whispering as I guess it draws you closer to me'. Ben didn't know where these words were coming from and Sam couldn't hide the glee from hearing them. After winning Wii Tennis, both sweaty and burned out, Ben playfully pushed Sam, he felt Sam's warm and wet body and felt a jolt of energy. 'Let's get lost' Ben panted.
Lost was a walk in the forest, losing themselves to their surroundings but most importantly to each other. They passed a tree and Sam stopped, he touched it and closed his eyes , Ben sensed he was somewhere else, 'where are you Sammy?' Sam let out a half laugh half sigh. He felt he wasn't here nor there but hearing Ben's voice brought him halfway back, he felt safe and calm and like he wanted to tell Ben every secret and share every doubt, it felt like Ben could ease it all. 'When my Grandparents died I came here to this tree, I carved there name and dates of birth and death, they were the oldest things I'd known so I wanted to find older and this one looked the oldest. I'm just thankful it's still here to remind me of them '. Ben moved forward and hugged Sam, the hug lasted longer and neither wanted to let go and finally Ben touched Sam's face, Sam touched Ben's and soon they were engulfed in a kiss
Let's get lost those words became so clear to each other their town was small but the possibility with each other endless. Before Ben, Sam had felt lost, misunderstood but he got on and by, it wasn't living it was existing. Sam felt he should feel grateful for it all but he couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to leave.
Sam really wanted to get lost to a bigger city, new faces , places and living at a faster pace. Sam was bored of being bored of being the freaks the outsiders, the only ones beside Gamuel,Change was looming.
When they first came together as one, Adjustments had to be made as weeks turned to months and months into years. School was school they nodded, smiled and waved at each other but respected the space and privacy of each other's friendship groups and social circle. Everyone knew what had happened and was happening but Ben was too popular and Sam too different for anyone to truly mock and bully. People were more in awe, they didn't know what to say so they said nothing. Zya was the one link that separated the two the friend that had become friends with both and counsellor and confidant.
Sam had called Zya in tears, frustrated about what was happening and going on, he knew Zya wanted him to want to stay to so the words of advice were half hearted. Zya knew that Sam was too talented for a small town she knew she was to and would gladly have joined if it wasn't for an alcoholic father, dependent and depressed and a little brother who she had to be the rock for. Sam knew this and knew it was insensitive to dwell on this topic for too long but it left him even more dazed and confused. If he couldn't talk to his parents, boyfriend or his best friend then who was there?
That's when Gamuel came into the picture. Gam as he liked to be known was always the different one, surrounded by a flock of girls and mostly the hottest ones. He wasn't beautiful nor handsome but managed to capture a bit of both. It was mainly his sass and style that made people look. Gam was never bullied as he was the gate keeper to the girls for the guys and his approval mattered and could make and break relationships. Sam had never spoken to him as beyond their preference for men they had nothing in common. ' Hey ' Gam smiled , Sam took a step back but smiled back. Gammuel had never said anything to him before. They talked but Sam was cautious and guarded, he knew Gam was a bitch or had heard he was but he had him laughing and smiling and it was refreshing to talk to another about life and things. Sam's main question was how did Gammuel speak to other boys or men and to his surprise, Gam told him of a boyfriend he had of sorts in London.
'Of sorts?'Sam queried
'Well Sammy, there's three of us in this town and you two are basically one so that makes one and it takes two to tango, everyone close or on my Grindr or Jack'd is old and grey or simply too gay, so I'm here and he's there I'm temped by no one and he can be tempted by everyone, as soon as we're finished here and I'm counting down the weeks, I'm gone ' Gam sighed. Sam was intrigued by it all, a boyfriend in the bigger city, someone embracing and not hiding their sexuality, Gam was actively indulging in all of it. The sounds of London and seeing all the pictures and videos sent by Josh, Gam's sort of lover just made him want to leave even more and now he shared the feeling of escape with another.
Things went on and days went by, Ben acted out and tried to be the best he could be to keep Sam under his sway, he was worried about how he divided his time with Gammuel and how he suddenly became a friend but played his part of a good boyfriend and it seemed to be working. Both boys were having fun but whilst for Ben it was great for Sam it was just good. Sam was feeling guilty about talking to boys on the net about London and it's many treasures, he'd always wanted to go but Zya couldn't get the time off work or away from her family.
Everyone else in town thought Sam was crazy, they idolised the idol that had propelled their small league football team to the top of it. Everyone Sam knew most either had a crush or some form of admiration for Ben. Yet Sam wasn't everyone he was the other. He was always going to be the other. Ben's other half, the other gay, just a ball of otherness that was weird to many. He wanted to be himself to find who He was and where He fit, he knew for sure it wasn't where He was.
Differences causes distance and it was distance that Sam needed really to somewhere He wasn't so different. Although his general difference wasn't the only one it was also that between him and Ben. The divide that divided them at first was cool, normal they were interested in different things but also interested in the same elsewhere it was a balanced balance yet the scales had started to tip. Sam wanted to be excited not constantly exhausted and angry with the burden of expectation looming large. Ben never came up with ideas of what to do and where to go, his fun was found in lying around at his house and scrolling through social networks, going football practice or off to work with his dad and brother. Ben was saving but he didn't know what for, he thought a car would be great so he could drive Sam to other places for weekends and breaks.
Ben smiled as he picked Sam up conversation was light as they made their way to the usual spot on a weekend where most hung out drinking, drugging, shagging. Sam was in a mood as it was there 4th anniversary and if this was it, then he felt this was it. How was this different or exciting? Ben seemed to think his presence was a present, enough to make someone happy, Sam thought coldly. Ben knew something was up but didn't want to spoil the surprise, he was so pumped that even Sam's attitude could be brushed aside.
' I can't do this Ben'
'Do what Sam?'
'This be here on this day, like what's wrong with you, did you think this would be ok?'
' you can't do anything these days can you, except sit and stalk boys in London, living their lives, you think I don't know I do, I know you've been flirting around'
'It's not like that'
' so what's it like you've hit the jackpot in this town so you're searching around to see what's out there, who else can give you it?'
' Jackpot is this the fucking jackpot? We do the same thing day in and day out, you've got no dreams or ambition, I'm restless and bored, so yeah I look at what's going on in London as it's a dream, escapism from all this shit, from the grey. I don't expect you to understand'
At that moment Zya pulled up smiling and honking, Sam looked surprised he didn't even know she could drive and where the hell did the car come from? That's when he looked at Ben. Ben thought he'd take Sam there and surprise him with the car he'd brought, not for him but for them. Embarrassed Sam had no option, he apologised and just ran, he didn't know where to but he'd fucked up. He knew Ben had tried and he had made it all fail, he was making it all fail. He ran but didn't know where to, he needed to be somewhere, anywhere other than home.
Sam remembered the first meetings the rush he felt just from seeing Ben's face or hearing his voice or saying his name but nothing could beat the time they shared. Every moment used to feel like a moment with Ben but now just felt like any other. The good days yet they became rarer. Expectations weighed Sam down and disappointment attacked Ben, disappointed in himself for not being all Sam wanted or needed. Sam knew Ben was the same and whilst Sam had changed, or seen a change, he wished they could continue. Ben wanted it to get Better but Sam wanted better. Sam's sense of adventure and desire to see & feel more ecplised the one desire that was once his main desire and that's when he knew something had to change but change was what he was most scared of. To lose everything he had for an idealistic dream that scared him but what scared him most was returning defeated, bruised, dream shattered. Coming back with Ben & Zya moved on, he thought he could live without them and failed they learned to live without him and succeeded that was his main fear but what was life without risks without stepping outside the circle and in this case the circle was very small.
Sam woke up and Ben was next to him holding him under the tree, the tree that meant so much to him and also now to them, where they first fell into each other and now it seemed where they'd fall apart. Sam felt so bad for what he was doing, he was in a perpetual mood, hard to please and easy to annoy. It wasn't easy loving him and he loved Ben all the more for it. Yet Sam didn't know if he was still in love or had love for Ben. That was a battle in which there was no victor if he was in love why did he want to go? If he had love he couldn't stay and cling on to something that's flames had cooled, living in the past with memories of a time when the times where good. With Ben laying there looking so sweet and cute he decided to hold on to him and watch as the sun rose illuminating every inch of the face he loved so dearly.
' I knew I'd find you here' Ben whispered as he rose
' I'm so sorry' Sam muttered
' Don't be babe, to be honest I'd be pissed if we ended up there too, just there dancing in the same space to the same songs with the same people'
'I jumped to conclusions and I've been so horrible lately, I don't know why you stuck around'
' Ahh it's mainly due to love, I'm smitten still smitten with you, to think it's been 4 years'
' they've been good'
' you're talking like it's over'
'You're everything to me'
'but is everything enough'
' Never start a sentence with a but'
They both laughed lifting the tension but not completely shifting it.
' I know you want more Sam, I know you want to leave and I'm here trying to keep you as is Zya but we can't keep you or hold you down, you're not you anymore, you're not the same, you've changed and I want you to be happy and I don't think you can be here and I don't think I can be there in London so I don't know'
'You do know, Ben I know what you're saying'
' Goodbye?'
'No you're telling me to get lost'
They laughed again
' you remember'
'How could I forget'
Ben started to cry, Sam stood still he felt like a beast here was the perfect man, tender, loving, caring, considerate and beautiful but he couldn't be happy or content he wanted more.
Sam was more restless than ever before no song or sound could calm him, so instead he listened to the silence grateful for the stillness. After a while Sam picked up his phone, Zya had posted a picture of them at the beach, that dreaded pebbled beach. They both looked so happy and Sam remembered that day vividly. It was before Ben, before any thought of leaving ever crept into his head, before real thinking and feeling set in. Before he knew it or really thought about Zya was called. Before she had time to say anything Sam launched into conversation.
' I know you don't want me to talk about this but I need to' Sam sighed,
Silenced Followed before Sam blurted ' I'm not dead yet so all these throwback pictures need to hmm calm it, don't mourn me'
They both laughed
' I know you're not dead, but you'll be so far, I know you've wanted I talk about you leaving for a long time Sam'
' I didn't want to cause anything, I want you to come so bad'
' I can't leave All this so easily I have bigger baggage' Zya whispered.
'Zya you're an amazing photographer and Ben's a great footballer, couldn't we all try to take on the city if we fail coming back is always an option. No one really leaves here they stay and languish and I don't want that'
'you've made it hard on us all, I don't know what to say, it's like you think you're better than us now, you're breaking Ben's heart by staying and you'll shatter it by going, I won't feel the same or be the same without you but we'll live and I guess we'll have each other and hey I'd always have somewhere to stay and someone to see in London. I want you to be happy so does Ben that's all I can say and will say, speak to you tomorrow'. The phone went dead and Sam felt somewhat free that's all he needed and wanted and both of the people he loved so much had given him something he craved.
Sam packed slowly and without haste, he wondered why he wasn't rushing but what was the point he'd waited so long and wondered for so long. He was more excited than sad but that upset him further, to be excited when he should mainly be sad.
Sadness claimed him as he waited for the train as the minutes burned away and the train came closer taking him further from here and closer to there. He remembered it all. Seeing Zya arrive in year 7 bewitching and beautiful, the first kiss he shared with Ben, the time Ben told him he loved him he knew he did but was scared to say it first and it was then it felt real they felt real, the first time he had sex underneath the tree as the rain soaked their bodies making Ben's back glistening as the rolled down the crack. All the memories he shared with that blasted tree he wished he could say goodbye to it and everyone but knew he couldn't, he wasn't that strong. He missed those period and those moments but that period was that period and those moments had passed it was this period and this moment, he knew he was different then to what he was now those moments belonged to that boy as these belonged to another, the train pulled up and he caught his reflection, he smiled this time with tears I'm his eyes the moment was now and the it belonged to him. Sam watched as the town disappeared as he was pulled further from the past and closer to the future.
