The uniform made me like all the others it didn't whisper rags or didn't shout luxury it just was. I could of been rich I could of been poor and that was the illusion that led to confusion.
I didn't know what it was or why, I didn't care about money or status, my youth in Somerset and adolescence in London gave my speech a twang an air and grace that was somewhat hard to place and in my lonely years I embraced my solitude and found a companion in books, google and wikipedia which gave me a knowledge that led many to believe I was highly or privately educated it was all false and a pretence but it wasn't a lie until I confirmed the preconceptions and anyway I didn't care about what others who knew of me yet didn't know me thought.
University was sweet I had longed for the escape from the house that wasn't a home and the family that wasn't a family and here I had it. I could be more of myself then I could of done before, I was here to find who I really was and a set of friends who believed in the same things and had certain or similar values so here I was. Oxford a place I didn't dream of but had seemed to me what Hogwarts was to Harry, a fortress that emerged from nowhere with the help of a teacher, a person who saw someone who had a brain that needed nurturing not only from education but also others. Education isn't just in education its in life and in living you learn lessons that are more important than the ones that you learn from text books and tutors.
Enter Toby or Tobias as I liked to call him but the former was what he insisted to be called except in our sessions of love and intimate moments that belonged to the two of us and within the universe we created yet was yet to name. We had fun was having fun and that's all that mattered. inseparable since the first day we met at an induction ball, a friend of a friend introduced us and as my eyes met his there was something, a moment that lingered and lasted beyond the mere seconds within the reality that it endured, there was a passion that I saw in him that he saw in me. A passion beyond the passion that we was yet to create with each other but what I saw then and there was a thrilled excitement for living.
We never talked much of our pasts, it was like a wound or a scab, I could feel his discomfort at the mention of anything to do with it or anyone and he too could sense mine. We didn't have the energy too as we was so invested in the time, this time, the now it's what matter most that and a future, the future. I didn't expect this at all I expected to meet life long friends but not a boy, a man, a beauty who gave everyday a fresher meaning and clearer clarity to every moment in which we shared.
He said as he was the older one out of the two of us, that he would pick up the trail of bills that we left behind us as we lived and burned through our days in the arms and company of one another, this allowed us to do things and for me to see things I couldn't afford or have access to or knowledge of prior, although in heated moments which were usually a result of his casual coldness he would buy me this or that or take me here or there and it felt like he was buying an apology and dazzling me with his wealth and access to the upper echelons of the world.
We was living and loving fast, an intensity that never seemed to simmer, one look, one kiss or one day was never enough I wanted and felt I needed more. But all was due to change or was changing he was tense and I didn't know why but I heard his father was coming and everyday that the visit drew closer the more agitated, fidgety, lost and angry he became.
The College became stiff, teachers perked up and became alert and I heard the whispers louder than before. His father was important, a distinguished gentleman extremely rich not just rich but an Earl who's ancient esteemed lineage was littered with names and characters dating back to a bygone British era.
I felt betrayed to a degree, here was a boy I knew and cared deeply about and if I was to be honest had begin to love. I had told him enough about me but he had told me nothing.
After his fathers grand reception and departure, I brought up the topic of why he hadn't told me and he told me that in truth what's to tell. An heir to an old name and mass fortune the only heir with a mother who died young and a father who refused to remarry or take up mistresses. He told me the story of his father a young man who saw his father destroyed by vices and the weakness of men (gambling, adultery, drugs and alcohol). A mother head strong overlooked the affairs of her husband and oversaw duties that was duties he was supposed to look after. His Father's father died exposing a list of debt that forced the family to sell its many heirlooms to keep its most precious one, the manor house. Then he told me of his father his hero who took over all the duties from his fathers mother.
He began from scratch graduating and starting a business building it up from ground zero using his name and grace to secure clients and before long he was as his family was before millionaires. He brought back most he could buy back in which he was forced to sell and created a trust to secure a legacy and now his legacy.
Then he told me in truth he couldn't see me no longer rumours had begun to stir and swirl causing eye brows to be raised. He had to marry and marry well, most importantly a girl, a women with class, of class and I wasn't most importantly a girl and secondly he didn't need to say but I knew what he meant I wasn't of class. He told me he had to produce an heir and this was an experiment of sorts.
I wondered what age we was living in, could he not be open and honest, couldn't he shuffle and reshape an old school system, couldn't he love a man and father a child. I was confused at this boy who seemed so strong elsewhere was so passive and submissive to his father.
I looked searchingly , this was a boy I knew yet didn't know now, this act his act before, my act where was the real and the fake was he acting as I was acting he a prince and I the pauper. Seeing my look I saw him emerge, the boy I knew a glimmer but still, he came to me whispering words that both would be full and meaningful prior yet now were shallow and worthless.
Class still existed as did homophobia within the esteemed classes who dibbled and dabbled with men only to claim as young and foolish experiments. He had it all the world at his feet and I had nothing and now no one.
Tobias
Oxford was Oxford another place with another name that my father had talked of for years. My path had been written even before I was born, he had planned it all Eton then Oxford then his high flying firm, I would marry a posh princess (even better if she was a posh princess even a minor royal) and continue this 'legacy'. I hated that word and I had begun to hate him.
Oxford was my freedom from him at last I was further away and it seemed my ties had began to loosen. The constant calls cooled and his friends watchful eyes were further than before.
I was bored of education even though I excelled and surpassed any expectations ever set, I didn't need to study hard somehow I just knew how to say or write the right thing at the right time, that's how I had glided through life, half wit and half charm.
I knew nothing special would be here but what was special was my freedom yet I didn't feel free in fact I had always been somewhat free, I always had access to what I wanted or thought I wanted and I was only truly tied down by the condemning looks of my father and the concerned ones of my mother. When she died his looks became more stern and longing and the weight on my shoulders grew heavier. There would be no second son no other heir I had known this for a while but both he and I had been so close. My mother pregnant with a son, a second son, one that would and could be all I didn't want to be and with this knowledge I was happy for once.
Happiness didn't last long for me it never did. My mother died along with her son, my brother and the heir, the boy the one who would take all away from me what I never wanted. The grief for the other boy seemed to outweigh that of my mother or what I expected him to feel of my mother.
In truth they were never close and there was a coldness to them that made the air of the entire manor even more icy. Giggles and hugs and kisses were staged for their many public engagements other than that he was gone here or there on this or that trip, while she languished and longed and I was ever absent too at this school or that camp.
My mothers death changed all it changed me and it changed him, he became even more protective not in a fatherly way but in a way I was an asset an investment now more priceless and fragile than before.
It created a divide at a time when we needed or should of been together and the hero and idol I once saw was now a beast. A man who got what he wanted when he wanted it. Yet something in it compelled me to submit and give in.
Oxford was dull and dry till that ball the one damn ball. I'd done enough balls and parties, champagne and white lines, blurred visions and black outs that tonight I was taking it easy and I didn't have to be drunk. The atmosphere was electric and he well he was like a snare.
His name was Jamie and there was an air about him an openness yet a hidden something that was subtle and at odds he was about to become a distraction, my distraction. I lost myself in him but found myself.
We didn't talk much about the past as we was living ever so much in the present. I don't know what it was about him that made me feel, he had that effect for so long I was numb days passing by, drinking, kissing, fucking. I wasn't straight wasn't gay in fact I didn't care what or who anyone hot or showing an interest was added to the list.
I cared about something or someone and that's what gave me a meaning, I didn't want to treat him like others that said there was love treated me or those who knew who I was and what I was worth. We was all rich here but I was the richest. My wealth was my past and a future but I knew that in truth what future did we have.
My father was coming to give this or that to some department to show off his accomplishments amongst his peers and fellow pupils who now had posts here and there with some teaching. Once again I was torn a new love against an old one the first man I learned to care about the tide was coming and I could either swim from or with.
I was the model student and a model son to a father who was a model man, conservative, english through and through. A son to a father who knew so little about me as I did about him, he only knew my worth through certificates or praise yet not my mind or feelings, where as the man I loved or was beginning to knew what a look meant or a little laugh indicated.
Stern words, a look of disgust, the dagger that was turned and twisted with the mention of my mother and the real son the one who'd he knew would never fail him. Word was I was canoodling on and off campus with a boy of common kinds, (not just a boy but a common boy). I was warned of the removal of my benefits (allowance, inheritance, shares) and like the fool I was the loyalty that my mother wore like a badge of honour that had infected her had infected me too. He was a man of strength and his strength overpowered most, bending till they broke or wilted in his direction.
I ended it that night, Jamie had stormed in to my room, demanding why I hid it all and what else was I hiding, I couldn't tell him all so I told him enough hoping he'd understand, but he looked at me the way I looked at her a broken pitied look.
I had to let go, I had no choice but I didn't want to be that man with a wife and child distant and angry giving them all yet none of me making men on the side my whores yet what could I do, I needed a wife and I needed a child. Could I go back to the world of nothing coming from everything someone who was and gave me all.
I said some cold words for the sake of saying trying to push him away, hurting him and hurting me. He left taking with me my happiness all for the sake of duty.
